You are not my friend when…

It was Chief Commander Ebenezer Obey who demanded in one of his evergreen albums “Iru Ore wo ni wo je? (what type of friend are you?” He was never privileged to track our true answers. However, one thing that we sometime fail to do consciously but which we should do is to analyse the circle of people we associate with especially those whom we will regard as “friends”. 

People touch us at different levels but to elevate someone to the “friend status” no be joke. As Bob Marley shared, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” 

Friendship is one of those concepts that are appreciated much more practically than through some fanciful definition. To borrow from Muhammad Ali ““Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” 

An obvious fact is that it is a relationship between one or more persons. It is not a mere relationship but one which is assumed to hold some responsibilities for the persons involved in that cycle. This relationship connotes a mutual feeling of affection, some reasonable level of agreement on most if not all issues, respect and willingness to sacrifice for one another at appropriate times. 

One of the wise sayings of the Yorubas is that “You only know those whom you love and not those who love you…(Eni ti a fe la mo, a o mo eni ti o fe ni)”. This alludes to the difficulty of discerning true friends and encourages you to be content in those whom you love but with the risk that they may not love you in return or at the same level. 

It is common to hear “with a friend like this, you do not need an enemy”. “Oju ni a ri, ore ko de inu”. “Et tu Brutus” continues to ring through the ages as a milestone in “betrayal” by Brutus to Ceasar. It is arguable that the stab and pang of discovering that Brutus was amongst his enemies was what robbed Ceasar of the will to continue to live! Judas Iscariot has remained etched in infamy for betraying the son of man with a kiss! 

This also implies that “by their fruits, you shall know them”. Hence you hear the cliché “A friend in need, a friend indeed”. "There is a friend that is closer than a brother". There are just all kinds of possibilities in “friendship”. There will be real “friends”, true “friends”, false “friends”, good “friends”, best “friends” or fair-weather “friends” and more. I think defining the character of those you meet on the path to “friendship” or labeling them as “friends” will be key. “Show me your friend and I know who you are” is a very common saying.

You are not a “friend” when you are not straight forward in your dealings with me; when you will be quick to hang me to dry; when you can set me up or ; when you will never seek clarification when you hear things about me; when you can take over my wife when I pass on; when you are unable to vouch for me etc

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 
― Linda Grayson

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” 
― Marlene Dietrich

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” 
― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.” 
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

“Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.'
You have been my friend,' replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.” 
― E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

So analyse and keep analyzing to separate the wheat from the chaff among “friends”! A true friend is one who has proved himself or herself to be so.

Limits Of Saying "I'm Sorry"

The limits

As desirable as it is to include the expression "I am sorry" in one's life toolkit, it does not resolve all situations of wrongs or where redress is required.
Take the following real life situations.

You are in a bus sitting very close to where the conductor his and he happens to be stretching forth his hands to collect his fares and you foresee and forewarn him about his elbow that is likely to dig into your nose and this eventually happens and he thinks that "I am sorry" would simply the magic that would quell your anger at his recklessness.

Or

You have a daughter or son in school and for one reason or the other this child becomes wounded in school in a manner that inflicts permanent damage that may affect the child's stock value for marriage and the malfeasance thinks that by spewing out "I am sorry" this horror film will simply end.

Or

You have a spouse that cheats on you and you discover this philandering and warned him or her to desist from such and somehow you become aware that you are now infected with the dreaded HIV disease. I wonder if simply mouthing the restorative words "I am sorry" will quell the raging fire.

Or

You discover that your neighbor or any other person has just had unlawful carnal knowledge of your child (either ways since we now live in strange times) and the next thing they usher in in barrels is how sorry he is and he did not know what came over him. I wonder whether some prison time would jog his memory because simply saying "I am sorry" may just not cut it.

These are trying situations that push the boundaries of forgiveness. Can you abide in sin and expect grace to abound? Can you be found to be reckless and expect forgiveness just like that? 

I think there is a likelihood that we will forgive you as a person but society must punish your deed. 

"I am sorry" will not always make the consequences of a reckless and insensitive conduct go away. 

Do not take our forbearance for granted.

Rising Profile Of Female Abuse

Rising Profile Of Female Abuse: Who stole our mojo?


Day in day out, week in week out, there must be a news item on how a man has subjected his wife, lover, mistress or other qualifiers to some physical battery, mutilation, or violence, in whatever form this has been expressed. In the last one month, there is one gory story or the other. The alleged reasons go from the serious to the mundane. Of course from the perspective of the batterer, all the reasons are serious! 

Take for instance the 60 year old retired lecturer that killed his step child after beating the mother just because the woman insisted on shutting access to her "honey pot" that night. Or the on-going case of Mr. Arowolo who is accused of killing his wife in the course of a domestic argument on some financial matter in the home. Or the case of David Sulaimon who bathed his girlfriend in acid. Or the case of Silifonia, a nollywood actress, who bled to death from punches to her pregnant tummy. 

The cases are numerous if you scan google for similar incidents in Nigeria and other parts of the world. But why has it come to this? From a male perspective, women are slow poison. If we should have a national conference of men, about 60% will render tales of woes suffered from their wives, mistresses or lovers. Some of these experiences would arise from lack of understanding or exercise of patience with their partners. Ditto, if you convene a conference of women, the allegation will be that men are the problem.

For battering rising from "shutting of honey pot", a woman should realise that it is not at the point that a man is experiencing the need to "collabo" that you now remember your unrequited request and close 'shop'. Men deal with such 'frustrations' differently. Some are happy to turn and face the wall as they are too proud to beg or grovel for 'it'; some are able to obtain satisfaction through some viable 'alternatives' inside/outside the home etc.

However, should it have come to the point where a man becomes brutish and turns his partner, wife, lover or mistress to punching bag, his home into a battlefield etc? What are we going to do? If we have this surge in cases that are reported, what about the cases that go unreported?

I think men should invest more time in understanding women particularly the fact that women will act generally emotionally on most issues; they are hardly logical or analytical which is the default for men. Take for instance, if you do not intervene, a woman can turn a female househelp of 9 years old into a rival? If you dare intervene, she could allege that you have designs on her. if you are the man, just do not say anything after that and walk away before she would round off by saying you never take her side on matters, you prefer outsiders to her etc, na wah oh! Once a man realizes that women no matter the education or exposure will always remain who they are, then no issue. 

For some women, the tension in the relationship is as a result of the deep set belief that men are promiscuous and this breeds excessive jealous streak out of the woman's desire to protect her 'turf'. A man comes back home and the next thing the wife is doing is to 'smell' his panties or boxers for any scent of semen, if he would be that careless! For a man that is not into such pranks, this is unacceptable and may trigger some shouting match that can spiral out of control. 

The antidote I think to all these is first and foremost for the men to:

(i) be more patient and understanding of the woman

(ii)respect the woman (even though this has another dimension - okay, is it respect for the woman to have a mistress or girlfriend if you do not bring the latter home?)

(iii) be more tolerant - women go through all kinds of emotional topsy turvy monthly. You need to watch out like a friend told me "they are not sane everytime" of course this assessment is not flattering but that has helped him with his relationship. Someone has also said "they are like children - take honey, take cake, that is how children get to play with you)

Above all, we need to evolve our social consciousness to the level that wife battery and its companion, husband battery is no longer tolerated in whatever form at any level of the society be you poor or rich! Beating or unleashing violence in whatever form on a woman does not underscore manliness. There are better ways for resolving conflict. Always remember the first love shared; those qualities that you saw that drove you into the relationship. Stop considering alternatives!

Our government needs to send a strong message about this. The only wrinkle here is that it may just be that the head of government may be a female batterer or a victim (as in Dame who is used to beating GEJ, na so the rumour be o)!

An Uninspiring Generation

My uncle once said, “It’s the people that can’t make it in Nigeria that run out of to find greener pastures”. I most certainly used to agree with that statement until I tasted the fortunes outside the country called Nigeria. I was away from the country for more than 4yrs at the very 1st instance and came to a NOT so assuring country. Not assuring: in all possibilities and sense of the word.

I was at first questioned/extorted and delayed by the officials of the airport (I’m sure most people would have experienced such a thing). The only thing left for them to do is to dig their hands into your pocket and take out the hard earned money you have managed to acquire from the freezing temperature. Imagine an immigration official asking what you brought for him, and you give him a pack of chocolate because you cannot give him 50quid (pounds) obviously. Meanwhile, you can’t even read the name on his badge. And if you refuse to give, they are ready to delay you with any excuse available.

In my OPINION, they are to blame for their action but if you look deeper, blaming the government takes a majority of the stakes on this one, which should be addressed by the relevant authorities. I’m sure even if any of them gets to have a glimpse of this, it will be ignored.Fair enough, the minimum wage/salary in Nigeria is not even structured to put the average man (if they still exist in the country), any chance of having a brighter thought of the future, let alone living in your dream. In a country where 70% of the population lives in poverty, the government should be the saving grace of the nation. But the government officials are more determined in enriching their Swiss accounts or getting properties in exclusive locations. I even know of two of them that bought Islands off the shores of Dubai worth 2Million dollars each. Where did they get the money from? Declaring their assets before getting on the seat of power should be a start.

Take for instance most recently, the alleged case of Governor of Oyo state’s wife’s #500mill naira embezzlement and arrest in London. Weeks of the allegation passed and there was not a word from the Governor/PRO/his wife or anyone from his office… suddenly after so much fuss, all we heard was that IT WAS NOT TRUE. And the media outfit that first published the story was going to be sued for #1billion naira. Governor Ibori is another typical example. Even the former head of house of representatives, Dimeji Bankole had a case of #40billion naira that was said NOT to be substantiated *Yimu*. Aunty Bose Obasanjo also has an advance state of fraud against her as well, which her dad said on BBC hardtalk that it cannot be substantiated, therefore it cannot stick as there is no evidence against her… These issues make me only laugh. Nigeria, the only country where a head of state doubles as a minister and has a daughter in the cabinet… Smh.There are loads of incidents that date back to early eighties/nineties and early 2000s that have been popping up here and there that were never resolved. Remember the days of Oputa Panel? Even with the rampant questioning and INITIAL GRA GRA, there was nothing to show for the vast number of questioning, investigations and prosecutions. There still hasn’t been a significant “scape goat” to strike fear into the minds of these criminals. I’ve had a look into the actual report and all I can do is sigh. If you require or want to see the report, I can give you a link if you want or put it on my blog.


Public figures that were entrusted with public funds have decimated our trust in them, by violating human rights of the people they govern, by extensive intrusion of the law. And the future of the country is in ruins. I cannot but think of the dire consequences it has on the youth in the nearest future, duly because of the reflection the older generation in Nigeria have painted for us. How can you convince a youth from a low income family not to indulge in fraud/rituals? In a country where you ask a 10yr old what he wants to be when he grows up and he answers “RICH”. Meanwhile we know it’s a reflection of what the masters of the game have given them is an insight to how to get rich quickly (shortcut to success).

Amazingly, with the state of things, we still have people who work hard and are straight forward to a fault, people who are resilient at be straight forward professionals and faithful at everything they do. But the chances of success for this miniature are outstandingly small.In circumstances like this, heavenly assistance is the best solution. Revolution wouldn’t even solve it because minds are so corrupt that it’s almost impossible to change the state of mind of any citizen. For obvious reasons, we have to keep praying to get over this stage and hope we have leaders that can make significant changes to all manners and aspects of the life of people they govern both home and abroad. I will most certainly address this issue even more and expose the secrets of the so called clique that’s reaping the fruits of t seeds.

We have to face the problems and start making changes NOW!!!
In the words of my friend, @etyro "Everything we run away from has power over us; everything we go through, we conquer."

Frank Olize... Representation of great Journalism

Frank Olize & the two memorable episodes from time past

The term signature is deployed in six senses. The first sense is as one's name written by oneself. The second sense is the act of signing one's name. The third sense is as the characteristic expression of a process or thing or the characteristics that give an object, or a piece of information, its identity. It is the third sense that concerns us in this post.

The shape of a Coca-Cola bottle, that hour-glass figure, is its signature. In essence, a person's unique style or approach to do in a task or performing a role can be his signature. For example, can you think of the films die hard without a Bruce Wilis or Terminator without Arnold or Indiana Jones without Harrison Ford. A person's voice, his manner of laughing, walking, talking, writing or presentation can be his signature. For instance, the authorship of the Book of the Hebrews has been agreed to be distinctly Pauline i.e. possibly written by Apostle Paul because of strong evident similarities with the other letters written by the Apostle. 

You can never confuse a Shakespeare with any other playwright. You can never confuse a Soyinka with Achebe. God himself signs off his work with a unique finger. The Egyptian Magicians shrieked "Oh Pharaoh, this is the finger of God" - the divine signature.

In today's world, it is also common to hear of 'digital signature', a unique trail of passage that occurs digitally. We have also heard of ' genetic signature'. In money laundering schemes, perpetrators are tracked through the 'money trail'. 

Whatever it is, writing software programmes, scam plots etc, there is always something unique that marks your trail or typifies your signature. You will always leave a trail. Everybody leaves a mark, a unique signature.

It is such a trail that Frank Olize has left in two memorable episodes of Newsline. Does anyone remember him? "This was the time when the only TV station was NTA, and the options you had were NTA channel 10, NTA 2 channel 5, NTA Ibadan, and surely NTA channel 7. That was a time when Frank Olize of “Newsline” was more popular than today’s Frank edoho of “who wants to be a millionaire” (who doesn’t)".

The first memorable episode for me concerned his man on the street coverage of the money ritual incident titled "Hold Ya Own". This was the period when whole "penis" or "balls" in the scrotal sac were disappearing at will through mere contact on the sidewalk. During this period, men go about with hands in the two pocket. One on the staff of office, the other on the two soldiers. There were all kinds of stories spawned then. One guy claimed that a woman had touched him and he could not find "his own" again, the woman must return it and he must "test it" on the woman that it is still potent! Nigerians. There was another story where the returned "staff" was alleged to be that of an albino! Na wah o

The second memorable episode was when Frank decided to evaluate Naija men's tolerance and willingness to forgive should their wives, girlfriends, mistresses or lovers be found "in flagrante delicto" i.e. compromising situation with another man as in one on top of the other. What will Naija men do? One of the men that chose to oblige Frank said he had better not go there. Another said that all he knows is that "person go die" whether na him or the man or the woman is not sure, but someone go die sha". And on and on like that.

Do Nigerian broadcast platform still parade rare breed presenters of this nature anymore? All is see are these peripheral and non-idealistic presenters/reporters who have absolutely no clue how to put their feet down in journalism. With the new breed springing up from all angles of Nigeria, I’m yet to see that outstanding/unique presenter that stands out. Well, even if they do, we hardly watch local stations these days. Our people can tell you the demographic distribution of New Jersey than the name of their local council chairman. Na wah o!

The government is in no way helping the younger generation in their pursue of their dream(s), instead, they are more interested in renaming Academic Institutions, assisting the rich, embezzling and all sorts of insane and irrelevant activities … Sighs… Guess I’ll have to make another write-up for that because its another ”Tori” entirely.

Frank clearly left his mark, a unique signature on that programme. This is not a tribute to him but a blast from the past in doing whatever your hands findeth to do well… DO IT.

AFCON 2013: Where is the X factor for Super Eagles?

It is interesting how Nigeria’s ambition for AFCON 2013 is evolving. In the past seasons of AFCON, we watched with chagrin how Nigeria’s ambition declined from targeting the trophy to just an appearance at the semi-final. A manager who is able to achieve this has excelled. We saw an era where Nigeria began to tout what is now derisively regarded as the “golden bronze” as the token of success at the AFCON.

From semi-finals, we regressed to dropping out of the competition from the quarter finals and to the point that we could not even make it out of the qualifiers to enter Africa’s showpiece event. My compatriot, Samson Siasia, will oblige with appropriate explanation, if and when you see him.

Enter Stephen Keshi (SK) and we are in AFCON 2013.

At first the rumour was that SK would be adjudged to have done well if we reach Quarter-finals of AFCON 2013. Recently, this target has been upgraded to winning the trophy. This much better, if this is true.

In my view, there should be no confused signals as to our ambition or intent for the AFCON 2013. I agree totally with an upgraded target. However, my lingering concern is whether we have the team that is able to go all the way.

It is now 19 years that Nigeria attained its golden era in AFCON with a swashbuckling generation of players who represented it at the 1994 Nations cup. This was a squad of the Super Eagles which paraded the likes of Stephen Keshi, Sunday Oliseh, George Finidi, Taribo West, Austin Jay Jay Okocha, Dan Amokachi, late Rashidi Yekini and Emmamuel Amuneke, to mention the key figures.

I make bold to say that Sunday Oliseh, Dan “the Bull” Amokachi and Emmanuel Amuneke provided the “X-factor” for this team . You would recall that Zambia had no answer in the AFCON final that year to the marauding movements of Emmanuel Amuneke at outside left or the ball holding capacity of Dan ”the Bull” playing from the right; the long-range passes from midfield from Sunday Oliseh, who was then rightly nicknamed the “pass master” and the spot-on crosses of George Finidi. It is ironical that it is the kind of ability in Oliseh that attracted Madrid to Xabi Alonso!

That Super Eagles possessed serious goal threats from every area in the forward line. George Finidi could score, goals were coming from Rashidi Yekini, Oliseh and Okocha could deliver from set pieces, Dan the Bull could also weigh in with goals. Our style of play though slow was compact; there was effective transition from the defence to midfield and to attack.

I do not pretend to know all the players in the current 23-man squad closely or able to comment on what they can give. The friendly games or warm-up matches have not given me sufficient comfort that we have a team that can lift the trophy. This will not be because the players are not committed or they do not want to but because from previous campaigns, the tactical naivety of our teams was glaring.

It is interesting that in the modern game Nigerian teams only seek to score either through the middle or off the run of play. No clear attention or emphasis has been placed on posing a goal threat through set pieces. Opportunities for goals abound from direct free kicks, throw-ins and corner-kicks. Our teams play throw-ins and corner-kicks devoid of any clear plan or intent to use these to score goals. Competitions are won based on proper tactical preparations and dose of luck or providential goodwill but never without preparation in all aspects of the game. Fanny Amun, the proponent of “fumble and wobble” eventually wobbled out of Nigerian’99.

There is a limit to the level luck can take you without preparation. The latin maxim is “Amat Victoria Curam” meaning “Victory favours the prepared”.

Thus, if there is an area that I would like the duo of SK and Dan the bull to emphasise, it will be our ability to defend on one hand and score goals from, set pieces.

The second area will be achieving coherence in our passing game. We may not be able to play like Barcelona but we cannot also be conceding possession like school boys. These are supposed to be professional footballers.

The third area will be the speed at which we recover possession from the opposition. We may need to deploy high pressing game here but this requires fitness. How fit then are the players?

It is time for SK and Dan “the Bull” to translate all their reviews on Super Sports to defining success at the AFCON.

Otherwise….